I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
