Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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