My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
