i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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