Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
