I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
