got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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