if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
