We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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