I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You ruined the universe
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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