I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
