I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
