i think my mom watched the whole time
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
