Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just pynch a tree in the face
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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