sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
