I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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