We named our party play list daddy issues
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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