What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
