new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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