Who did Billy Mays play for?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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