You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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