The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I didn't notice because vodka
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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