Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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