24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
