Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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