I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
