Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
