So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
