Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so let's talk penis.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
