Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
