You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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