I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
