thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
