i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
