Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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