for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
