Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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