We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
