dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
