So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
