Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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