the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
