Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
