I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
