Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Houston, we have a squirter
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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