You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
