I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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