last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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