i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
