Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
