What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
